In Shaarei Ahavas
Yisroel, Vol. 1, there is a brief summary of one the Rebbe’s many talks on
ahavas Yisroel. The Rebbe delves into the meaning of the mitzva and
how to properly fulfill it, focusing on the question many have: How can we be
commanded something that depends on our feelings? How can we be told to love
someone "like yourself?" The Ramban expresses his surprise at this concept,
saying that: "A person’s heart cannot accept that he must love another like he
loves himself." The question comes up in regard to chinuch, i.e., how to
implant ahavas Yisroel in our children.
The Rebbe’s answer is
based primarily on Rabbi Akiva’s approach. Rabbi Akiva says, "Beloved are
Yisroel, for they are called Hashem’s children." Since all Jews are children of
the same Father, we are all literally brothers in this sense. Accordingly, we
can readily understand how we are expected to love every single Jew.
Adults can understand
things logically if they choose to, and can cause the logic to influence their
emotions. But this article is not about adults, but about young children. The
question is: How can we teach our children to internalize this important value
of ahavas Yisroel? Our goal is for this value to develop over time, to
strike deep roots, and to have practical results.
Before attempting to
answer this question, let us analyze a child’s feelings about himself. The
younger the child, the more he sees himself as the center of the world. Starting
with his closest circle, his family, and extending beyond, he feels that he
deserves everything from them – that others are obligated to give him things, to
do things for him, and to be at his beck and call.
A child cannot
properly assess the unconditional dedication his parents have for him. He is so
accustomed to this devotion, concern, and love that he doesn’t think it could be
otherwise. A child on a higher level of comprehension believes that his parents
are obligated in their relationship to him. Whether because of the law or
because it is his due, he believes they are obligated to worry about him and
support him.
Understanding where
the child is coming from, we can deduce what the child’s goals are in social
settings. Even if it doesn’t sound nice, we have to say it the way it is. A
normal child looks for ways to stand out in the crowd. His goal is to make
others aware of his presence, and to be at the center, not necessarily in a
conspicuous way, but certainly to be well-liked and respected. In order to
attain this, children may use some less than honorable means, such as trying to
dominate or take advantage, flatter or hurt, bribe or withhold. These types of
behavior may help him acquire a social standing, but intelligent adults realize
that this isn’t the right way to go about it.
When it comes to
mitzvos in general, we tend to teach children to force themselves to fulfill
them properly. What about the mitzva of ahavas Yisroel, which is a
"great principle of Torah?" This is the first gate to ahavas Hashem, as
stated by the Baal Shem Tov, and as we say every day before davening: "I
accept upon myself the positive precept of ‘love your fellow as yourself.’"
Should we force a child to fulfill this mitzva? Should we instruct
him in order to educate him to perform acts of ahavas Yisroel, to give up
something that belongs to him and give it to another? Or should we wait until
the child develops and matures and can understand things on his own?
What should we do,
for example, in the case of a six- or seven-year old who does not want to share
his toys with his brothers or friends? Should we force him to go going against
his feelings and nature by insisting that he share? This is a common situation,
and many parents wonder what the right approach is.
For the most part,
parents act based on their own nature and respond either with chesed or
g’vura, without thinking of the desires, feelings or inclinations of
their children. Let’s stop for a moment and look at all this from a different
perspective.
Parents have the
capacity to lead a home and set standards that both partners agree upon. This is
done through explaining, guiding, and when necessary, compelling. For example,
when undesirable behavior such as stealing occurs, all agree that it is
completely unacceptable. Even with something so obvious, there’s a wide range of
subtleties, and the child’s subsequent behavior will depend on the parents
response to the child. When parents lower their moral standard and give the
impression that they can relate to the evil of thievery, then the child will
respond accordingly. He’ll know only that he is forbidden to break into houses,
just like he may not take money from someone’s wallet. That will be his
definition of stealing. Parents, however, who maintain a high moral standard,
with a broad definition of stealing, will explain to the child that he may not
use something that belongs to someone else without permission. This message
tells the child that stealing is completely out of the question.
Another example of
undesirable behavior is lying. You can let a child know that by lying you mean
only the most outright form, or you can instill in him the importance of
avoiding even inaccurate details, and stress that not being precise, or adding
details, even insignificant ones, just "little" changes, are forms of lying. You
can go even further and say that even pretense is included in this despicable
trait.
When you negate even
the subtle forms of a negative trait from the very outset, you create a border
and a "safe zone" in which sins cannot be done, and the coarser forms of the
negative trait remain distant from the child.
Negating the subtle
forms of a negative trait from the very outset must be done wisely. There’s no
need to expand upon every tiny error a child makes. When necessary, you point
things out, softly and supportively. In a positive tone say, "you’re a smart
child," "you probably forgot," "you weren’t paying attention," and the like.
Sometimes it’s necessary to point out the negative side of the deed and show its
consequences. All this should be done in the child’s language and on his level
of understanding.
A child needs
constant guidance. It’s important to shape his personality on the foundation of
a loving, supportive relationship, and to emphasize the positive.
For example, in
fulfilling the mitzva of netilas yadayim, you can stay on a simple
level and ask a child, "Did you wash before eating?" Or you can stand on a
higher level and ask, "Were you careful to pour water over the entire hand so
that it was washed properly?" This should not be said critically, but should be
more like any parent-child conversation.
Getting back to our
topic of ahavas Yisroel, educating children about ahavas Yisroel
is really the highest moral value parents can convey to their child. When they
succeed in implanting this lofty value and shaping their child and his behavior
accordingly, the level of values and morality in the home rises incomparably
higher. This is really what Rabbi Akiva meant when he said, "This is a great
principle of Torah."
When the talk at home
revolves primarily around the topic of the eternal soul-connection that exists
between every Jew, the child’s feelings towards every Jew develops and deepens.
The topic of ahavas Yisroel becomes a sacred value for the entire family,
and it will be very hard for a child to profane what is sacred to him.
The way to inculcate
ahavas Yisroel in a child is not by appealing to his intellect, because
that creates a conflict between the child’s understanding and his self-centered
feelings, in which case his feelings are likely to win. As with all other
mitzvos, the approach has to be a practical one. That means emphasizing
acts of ahavas Yisroel. However, in order to soften the blow to the
child’s sensitive ego, you must also engage in constant and thorough guidance,
by means of conversations, thinking out loud, examples, and lots of stories. You
can find countless stories of our Rebbeim that depict ahavas Yisroel.
We must raise the
moral level and operate from an educational standpoint. When you see a child
acting in a positive manner positively towards another person, praise him and
say, "Very good, you give the Rebbe nachas by doing his will," or "You
fulfilled what Rabbi Akiva said." This raises the child’s level, and he learns
to adjust himself to a higher level of conduct, to that of the Rebbe’s and Rabbi
Akiva’s.
Important: Our
goal in chinuch is to raise the child to a high moral level, which is why
his education should always come from a high moral and spiritual
standard.
The Chinuch of The
Rebbeim
The main part of this
article dealt with how to educate children to give to others. Should we force
them or somehow get them to do it on their own? What follows is a story told by
the Rebbe Rayatz that illustrates the type of chinuch he received from his
father, the Rebbe Rashab. I’ll relate the story in my own words.
Little Yosef Yitzchok
spent quite some years learning and reviewing Mishnayos and Tanya
by heart. He was already expert in all the thousands of Mishnayos, of the
orders of Zra’im and Mo’ed.
A special motivating
factor in Yosef Yitzchak’s Mishnayos studies, was his father’s promise of
five coins for every chapter that he learned by heart. He would thus sit and
review one Mishna after another. Months went by and the number of coins he
earned grew. One day he was able to exchange all his coins for one large coin, a
silver ruble. This was a huge amount of money those days for a young boy and
Yosef Yitzchok carefully guarded his coin. At the same time he continued
learning, and earned yet another silver ruble. Over the following months he
amassed many more rubles.
Yosef Yitzchak
wondered what to buy with the money. There were two things he really wanted. One
was s’farim, holy books to study, which he could purchase with the amount
he had saved. But there was another thing he wanted, a rare item — a watch..
Back in those days,
watches were not at all common. Only wealthy individuals bought new watches, but
little Yosef Yitzchok wanted a watch. He earnestly desired his own, personal
watch so that he could be more careful with his time. He would use every minute
properly. At 9:00 a.m., he would know it was time for Shacharis, at 10:00
a.m. he would go to school, etc.
Another year went by
and Yosef Yitzchok was still sweating it out learning Mishnayos. His pile of
coins grew. He had fifteen silver rubles, which he exchanged for one gold coin.
The day he did so was a day of celebration for him. His dream was becoming real.
In just a little while he would be able to buy a watch. His gold coin was always
under his scrutiny. He took it out twice a day, looked at it, turned it this way
and that, and played with it for a while. His joy was great, for the watch was
within reach. That is, until the fateful day...
It was an ordinary
day. Yosef Yitzchok returned from school for a short while to eat lunch. He took
out the coin as he always did and played with it. At the same time, a Chassid
named Reb Koppel was talking to Yosef Yitzchak’s father, the Rebbe Rashab. R’
Koppel pleaded with the Rebbe to grant him a loan for a short period of time.
These were difficult financial times, and the tzaddik had to refuse R’
Koppel. R’ Koppel was stuck because he needed to buy new merchandise for his
small store so he could earn a coin or two. He glanced around in desperation and
noticed little Yosef Yitzchok sitting at the table, playing with his gold coin.
R’ Koppel said
brokenheartedly to the Rebbe, "Even one gold coin would help me greatly,
although it isn’t enough." Yosef Yitzchok shuddered upon hearing this, his
precious coin, his great treasure – give it to this man?!
The Rebbe, his
father, empathized with his son, but said nothing. He just smiled at him. He
knew the nature of the war being waged in his son’s heart, and he let his son
fight it out.
The boy quickly hid
the gold coin under his plate as though he didn’t see or hear anything. R’
Koppel understood. His head drooped and he left the house at once. Then the
Rebbe turned to his only child and in simple terms explained the greatness of
the mitzva of gmilus chasadim, which is even greater than the mitzva
of tzedaka.
Yosef Yitzchok’s
heart was broken for he understood what his father was telling him. No, his
father was not forcing him to give away the money he had worked for now for over
a year, the money he played with twice a day. The Rebbe wanted the difficult
decision to be made by him without force. The pain was great, but Yosef Yitzchok
overcame it and changed his mind. As soon as he finished lunch, he rushed to R’
Koppel’s little store in the marketplace.
R’ Koppel still sat
in his store waiting for customers, but nobody was there at the time. Yosef
Yitzchok mustered the strength to enter the store. He hoped and prayed that R’
Koppel had been able to borrow the money from someone else. Perhaps he had
gotten other coins, and Yosef Yitzchok would have both the reward of the
mitzva plus his coin.
Yosef Yitzchok stood
there silently, wondering what to say and what to do, but R’ Koppel spoke first,
moaning, "Ay, I need so much money. The big merchant is supposed to bring me new
merchandise, but I don’t have the money to pay him. Oy, what will I do? I could
lose my customers and then my family will starve!"
Yosef Yitzchok took a
hesitant step forward, took the coin out of his pocket and placed it on the
table. "Here, R’ Koppel, take the coin on loan until you can pay it back."
R’ Koppel’s face lit
up and in a tear-choked voice thanked him profusely and said, "G-d willing, next
week I’ll return the coin. I just need the loan for a week."
Yosef Yitzchok’s eyes
filled with tears, both of sorrow and joy.
